The theory of attachment styles between parents and children has long been studied in psychology, education, and any field that deals with human development. The fact is that the implications of attachment theory impact each and every one us, not just in childhood, but into our adult years as well. At the very least, most of us can look back to how we were raised and how the habits, beliefs, and behaviors we have were shaped by our earliest caregivers. What we don’t always consider is how we dealt with the most difficult things: the criticism of a parent, the comparison with a sibling or others, the lack of availability of a caring adult when we needed one. Looking at such experiences, without necessarily blaming our parents or caregivers, is key in understanding the attachment wounding that has also shaped us. Left unaddressed, such wounding can have a major impact on various aspects of our life.
Do you know the signs of an unprocessed attachment wound? Perhaps you never knew to even consider that early pain was at the root of your difficulties with other people. The truth is, many people who are hurting, lonely, or struggling with insecurity are unaware that trauma in their earliest relationships is relevant.
What was your attachment to your primary caregivers like? If you find that you’re repeatedly troubled by connection, trust, and security issues with loved ones, it might be time to dig deeper into your past attachments.
Key Signs You Need to Heal from an Attachment Wound:
Your Relationships are Damaged by Anxiety
Anxiety in relationships is a clear marker of attachment wounding. Many people have one of two common experiences. You live with the anxiety of getting too close. Or you live with the anxiety of not feeling close enough.
Worry, panic, rumination, and controlling behavior may result as you try to manage feelings of emotional suffocation or abandonment. As a result, attachment wounds can present as anxious-avoidant relationship behavior. You might become either the pursuer or distancer with the relationship partner becoming the opposite. This connection becomes problematic without at least one of you doing the work to become more secure.
Unhelpful Thoughts and Emotions Get in Your Way
Paying attention to the way you experience relationships internally is vital to healing your attachment wounds. The reality is relationships and negativity are linked together for you. Thus, you may need help from a therapist to uncover the depth to which your thoughts and feelings are impacted. However, you can start now trying to explore your thought patterns. Do the following happen in relationships?
Negative self-talk and self-criticism are ongoing in your relationships. You may punish yourself with thoughts of not being good enough, unlovable, or somehow at fault for not having healthy connections.
You have “trust issues.” Either you trust too easily or not at all. If you find that you are drawn to people who have already given you a good reason not to trust, an attachment wound may be at play. Similarly, not being able to trust, even in long-standing relationships with trustworthy people indicates early relationship trauma.
Relationships never live up to your ideals, hopes, or most positive beliefs. They succumb to negativity and a sense of unfulfillment.
Your Relationship History is Telling
A key indicator of attachment wounding is a history of unhealthy relationships. This can reveal itself in a variety of connections. As you look back, are any of the following true?
You distanced yourself or avoided relationships.
You constantly wanted or pursued a relationship.
Descriptors like “love or sex addiction” might characterize your past.
Looking back, you think of your family life as idyllic or perfect.
Looking back, you view your family life as a huge failure of neglect and disappointment.
Descriptors like “hurtful,” “abusive,” “indifferent,” and more characterize your earliest relationships.
You Cope with Relationship Pain Unproductively
Unaddressed, attachment wounds live on in various areas of your life. Think about how you’ve coped through the years. What you did to cope as a child or survive as a young person may be the same as the coping strategies you’re using now. Chances are they aren’t serving you well.
Often attachment wounds lead to coping via substance abuse, eating disorders, or the development of anxiety disorders. It’s worth examining the roots of these issues if you are suffering.
Seek Out A Therapeutic Relationship to Heal
Finally, a difficult childhood, due to unmet relational needs, can seem so unfair. Similarly, difficult adult relationships, due to unresolved attachment pain, don’t have to continue. Whether you’ve been afraid, angry, or simply avoiding the past, you deserve better. Allow yourself a future free of attachment wounds.
A relationship with a compassionate and qualified therapist is important in helping you embrace more fulfilling and beneficial personal relationships. To heal well and fully is possible with commitment and support. We are here for you. Please read more about trauma therapy and contact us soon for a consultation.