By Lea Nguyen
Relationships with our family are often the relationships we value most, though they may also be the
most difficult relationships to maintain. Maybe you have an aunt who routinely crosses the line or
an in-law relative that treats you in a way that you would not prefer to be treated. If a family
member’s intrusive, rude, or careless behavior is causing you emotional distress, it’s a sign to put
some healthy boundaries in place.
A traffic signal with a red heart traffic light.
We often hear and read the term “boundaries,” especially since social media is swarming with posts
and memes of this buzzword. Social media hype might make us believe that boundaries mean
cutting people off or shutting people out, which may not be what you want. The alternative to that
might feel like continuing to give in and saying “yes” to everything. But this also doesn’t feel right.
So then, what exactly are healthy boundaries, and how do we create them?
Boundaries are limits or spaces between you and another person. They give guidance on how
you want to be treated and help us honor our expectations and needs in a relationship.
Boundaries lets others know what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable.
Healthy boundaries allow you to:
Protect your mental and emotional wellbeing
Feel respected and safe in a relationship
Communicate your needs in a relationship
Make time and space for positive interactions
Give in a relationship without feeling resentful
So, how do you set healthy boundaries?
1. Put Yourself First
Oftentimes, people avoid placing boundaries because they’re afraid of hurting the other person,
even if the courtesy isn’t reciprocal, or being selfish. It is important to keep in mind that your
needs are just as valuable and important as the other’s needs.
When flight attendants give their pre-flight safety instructions, one of the things they instruct you
to do is that, in case of a change in cabin pressure, you put your oxygen mask on before you try
to help others put on their mask. This oxygen mask analogy illustrates the importance of putting
yourself first before addressing the needs of others. Doing this actually allows you to be more
fully present in a wholesome way within a relationship.
Reasonably putting your needs first is not selfish, but is an important step to improving your
mental health and feeling generally happier in your relationship. Without knowing your needs,
you may continue to give to the point of burn out or exhaustion. Knowing your needs can help
you determine which boundaries you need to put in place. Start by asking yourself: what do I
need from myself, and what do I need from others? (Keep in mind that this might be extremely
difficult if you were taught that attending to your needs is selfish!)
2. Take a Kind and Direct Approach
It is important to identify and be clear about your needs and communicate them. For example, do
you need your mother-in-law to let you know in advance when she would like to visit? How much
time do you want to spend time with your family versus having quality me-time? Carve out a time
to talk with that person to directly express your needs, perspective, and desire to set healthy
boundaries, especially when their actions cause you emotional distress. Focus on clearly and calmly
sharing your viewpoint about how their behavior is negatively affecting you. Be mindful of setting
realistic expectations for your relationships with your family members. Remember that shifting the
norms might be an uphill battle as you begin to ask your family members to interact with you
differently. They may initially ignore you and continue the behavior that you dislike. Be prepared to,
kindly but firmly, repeat your request a number of times before it really sinks in that you are serious
about the change.
Ask yourself: Are they likely to continue their behavior regardless of what you communicate to
them? If so, put measures in place for yourself to remain grounded despite this and repeat your
request.
If you feel anxious or nervous about the confrontation, practice with a trusted friend or family
member before having the conversation with that person.
3. Be Willing to Say “No” or Walk Away
If you’re a people-pleaser, it can be challenging to say no, but saying yes when you want to say no
eventually leads to simmering resentment and conflict. Difficult family members will be caught off
guard when you set a boundary, even by simply saying no. They may get angry or upset and make
countless attempts to force you to return to your old ways. Prepare for push-back and respond with
sentences that stay on point. Being mindful and prepared, for pushback may require you to follow
through on consequences if they ignore your boundaries. In time, they will learn that your new
boundaries are not up for negotiation and are not going away.
If you sense that you or your family member are starting to get angry or experience anxiety, give
yourself or them space to cool off by walking away. Sometimes removing yourself from the
conversation is necessary. That, in and of itself, is a boundary! Walking away shows that person
that you’ve reached your limit for their particular behavior or action.
A sign that says, “ROAD CLOSED,” in the middle of a desert.
4. Identify and Avoid or Eliminate Triggers
Placing boundaries also means evaluating and clearly understanding what triggers emotional distress
or conflicts. Gatherings, events, and holidays are a time for family members to catch up with one
another, and topics from romantic relationships to politics may come up. If such topics trigger
conflicts, take a time-out by excusing yourself. If leaving the situation is not an option, avoid or limit
engagement in the conversation.
5. Avoid Engaging in Family Gossip
Family gossip is not unusual but removing yourself from toxic situations is productive for your
mental and emotional health. Set a boundary by not participating in family gossip and drama and
not being the “messenger” for sharing information about others.
If you see family members engaging in conflict online, “mute” or “block” their presence on your
timeline or feed, or even take a break from social media to practice and reinforce your boundaries.
Professional counseling may be a helpful place to begin if you’re struggling with differentiating
between being selfish and setting healthy boundaries. At Haven Mental Health Counseling, we
provide individual, couples, and family therapy to help you overcome the challenges of dealing with
difficult family members. Whether it’s fear, ambivalence, low self-worth, or the tendency to people-
please, we can empower you with the skills needed to forge meaningful connections with your loved
ones all the while setting healthy boundaries.