By Lea Nguyen
Arguing in relationships is normal. But do you often find yourself “sparring” with your partner with little to no resolution? Do you find yourself tuning out your partner in the middle of a disagreement? Can you only feel and remember negative emotions when you take a trip down memory lane? The first step towards relationship happiness is to understand what area of your relationship needs improvement.
In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D., studied 130 newlywed couples to understand what makes a marriage work and what doesn’t. Continue reading below to see the signs that he and his team discovered that predicted relationship dissolution.
1. Harsh Start-up
When you’re feeling upset, have you found yourself expressing your frustration to your partner with criticism or sarcasm? Maybe you complained about how lazy your partner is for not doing their share of housework or you sarcastically tell your partner you love how much time they’re spending with their friends instead of with you. Starting the conversation in this way likely leaves you feeling even more frustrated than when you began. Your partner probably also doesn’t seem to hear what you’re actually saying and may react by attacking or perhaps retreating. According to Dr. Gottman, 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of any fifteen-minute interaction. If you find yourself beginning a discussion this way, take a breather and start over when your emotions are not at an all-time high.
2. The Four Horsemen
The four horsemen describe unhealthy communication patterns including criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The company of the four horsemen in communication predicts breakup and divorce with an 82 percent accuracy rate!
Criticism:
Complaints are normal in relationships, but how you address them makes a world of a difference. When criticizing, you attack the core of your partner’s character, making them feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. Here is one example of criticism:
“You’re so useless and forgetful! I told you to take out the garbage last night, but you never do. Why don’t you ever listen to me?”
Instead of criticizing, approach the discussion with a soft start-up. Focus on how you’re feeling about a specific behavior or incident and express what you need. See how we changed criticism to a complaint in the example below:
“I’m angry because you didn’t take out the garbage last night. We agreed that you’d take out the garbage, while I wash the dishes. When you don’t do something we agreed to it feels like you just don’t care. Can you do it tonight?”
This first horseman is the most common communication pattern in relationships. It does not mean your relationship is doomed to fail, but the danger of criticism is that it opens the door to using other, more threatening horsemen.
Contempt:
Contempt is the most destructive communication pattern. Think sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. It conveys disrespect, superiority, and disgust to your partner:
“You’re tired?! Seriously? Right. Because I’m the one at home with the kids, helping them with their homework, bathing them, making doctor’s appointments, and cleaning up after them when all you do is sit in front of the computer at work and come home to watch TV. The only thing I ask of you is to take out the garbage.”
Contempt is fueled by resentment and long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner. It leads to more battle than reconciliation and is the greatest predictor of relationship failure. However, it can be defeated. You can improve your communication if you treat one another with respect and build a culture of admiration and appreciation within your relationship.
Defensiveness:
You may naturally use defensiveness in response to both criticism and contempt. However, it never solves the problem. Defensiveness is an underhanded way of blaming your partner, playing the innocent victim, and essentially communicating “the problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Here is an example of how defensiveness is used in response to the above contempt and criticism examples:
“I was just so busy at work yesterday that I was exhausted and just completely forgot when I got home. Yesterday was the only time I forgot! You don’t take into account the other times I’ve taken out the garbage. You never appreciate me. You could’ve just reminded me instead of yelling in my ear!”
The antidote to defensiveness is taking accountability for your shortcomings and considering your partner’s perspective. Communicating in this way doesn’t mean you’re taking all the blame, but rather taking understanding your partner and taking responsibility for your part in situation.
Stonewalling:
When a discussion begins with a harsh start-up (like criticism and contempt) it leads to defensiveness, and at some point, you or your partner disengage. Over time, the negativity created by the first three horsemen becomes so overwhelming that you or your partner escapes by stonewalling. Stonewalling is when you withdraw from the conversation without resolving anything. This can include remaining silent, tuning out, walking away, and acting busy.
If you sense that you’re stonewalling during a conflict, ask your partner to take a break:
“I’m feeling angry. I need to take time to calm down. How about we continue this discussion in 20 minutes?”
3. Flooding
Have you ever found yourself shell-shocked from your partner’s negativity that you feel physically and psychologically overwhelmed? What you are experiencing is called flooding. You start becoming hypervigilant for cues that your partner is going to “spar” you again, and you’ll learn to do anything to avoid it. Habitual harsh start-ups and frequent flooding brought on by the relentless presence of the four horsemen during conflicts are major predictors of breakup or divorce.
4. Body Language
During flooding, you experience physical reactions. You feel your heartbeat rapidly pounding away, adrenaline kicking in, palms feeling sweaty, and blood pressure mounting. These sensations become so overwhelming that your body only wants to escape from what seems like a dangerous situation by fighting (with criticism, contempt, or defense) or fleeing (stonewalling). As you know, these strategies only make the situation worse, leaving no chance of resolving the issue productively.
5. Failed Repair Attempts
Repair attempts are any statement or action that puts the brakes on negativity from worsening out of control. Repair attempts can be anything that defuses tension. It can include suggesting taking a break, being silly and sticking out your tongue, laughing/smiling, or apologizing – the list is endless because each couple has their own creative strategy!
However, when you and your partner’s communication pattern is dominated by the four horsemen and experiences of flooding, you’re not able to find repair attempt cues from your partner. The both of you become stuck in the cycle of one failed repair attempt after another, all to no avail. To increase trust and intimacy in your relationship, surviving the four horsemen and learning how to repair effectively requires brainstorming and creativity.
6. Bad Memories
When you think about the history of your relationship, what feelings and memories come up? Most couples remember the highlights of their relationship rather than the low points. Even when reflecting on tough times, they talk about their resilience and strength from weathering through adversity.
However, in an unhappy relationship, history gets rewritten, and memories are filled with negative emotions or are even too difficult to remember. When the four horsemen dictate the relationship, impairing communication, the relationship is altered in a negative light.
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Learning about the mistakes made in your relationship can prevent you and your partner from getting sucked into the vicious cycle of conflict or rescue your relationship if you already are in it. Changing the negative cycle of how you and your partner approach conflict and communication takes the right kind of help. If you ended up on this page, chances are you are looking for ways to improve your relationship. Whether the boat has been rocky, or your foundation is solid, couple’s therapy can bond you and your partner in new ways you longed for or even haven’t imagined.
Here at Haven Mental Health Counseling, we have the resources to guide you and your partner through your journey in couple’s therapy. If couple’s therapy sounds daunting or you are unsure of what to expect, we have a blog post covering what you need to know about couple’s counseling. If you’re wondering how couple’s therapy can help your unique relationship, check out our article on some of the most common obstacles and goals that couples we have worked with have overcome and achieved. If you still have unanswered questions or are ready to have a happier and more fulfilling relationship, get in touch with us. We would be honored to be a part of your journey to improve your communication and strengthen your relationship.
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References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.
The Gottman Institute. (n.d). Retrieved from http://www.gottman.com