By Lea Nguyen
You may typically feel nervous when meeting a new potential romantic partner. You want to put
your best foot forward and explore that newfound romantic chemistry with another person. But
when you think about the dating scene, it’s full of opportunities for awkward conversations and
unknown factors. Have you ever gotten lost in racing thoughts like will he show up? What if I say
something stupid? What if she thinks I’m ugly? What if they don’t like me? Have you experienced
excessive fears before, during, and after a date? Have you ever felt overwhelmed and thought about
giving up dating altogether? If these sounds familiar, you may be experiencing dating anxiety.
It is important to note that dating anxiety is not an official condition in the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but it can feel like an anxiety disorder. You may be
experiencing similar symptoms
including:
Excessive worry
Repetitive or ruminating thoughts
Difficulty concentrating or your mind going blank
Restlessness or being on edge
Physical sensations such as muscle tension, sweating, trembling, and a fast heart rate
So, how can you calm the dating jitters? Whether you’re living with an anxiety disorder or not,
there are steps you can take to calm your nerves when navigating the dating scene.
A woman is sitting and talking while the man listens and sips on coffee
1. Planning
You can’t predict the outcome of your date, but you can focus on what you can control. You can
make the atmosphere as predictable and familiar as possible by planning:
Date location
Activity
Time of day
Transportation
2. Self-Soothing and Relaxation Techniques
You’d be surprised by how a simple change in breathing can be a soothing remedy for anxiety
symptoms. Take a few moments to practice this box breathing technique with Headspace before
your date to ease your nerves. You can also try this quick visualization technique with Headspace to
ground yourself and take a step back from those racing thoughts. Anxiety thrives by ruminating on
the past and the future, stealing you away from the present moment – the here-and-now. Rather
than pushing away or ignoring your thoughts and emotions, connect to the present moment
without judgment with this 8-minute meditation with Headspace.
3. Practicing Self-Compassion
When a date goes awry, you may automatically blame yourself or beat yourself up on things you
have said that may have come out “wrong.” You may spend hours or days focusing on your flaws and
mistakes. Instead of being self-critical and self-deprecating, practice forgiving and comforting
yourself when dates don’t go as planned.
Try practicing a self-compassionate internal dialogue. It can sound like this: It’s OK to be upset that
the date didn’t go as planned. I’m human and did my best. What can I do to cheer myself up?
4. Practicing Self-Disclosures
If you’re shy or anxious, you’re less likely self-disclose. Letting your guard down can feel scary and
vulnerable! But you don’t have to share your deepest darkest secrets. Start by telling them what you
think, and how you feel, and let them notice what’s important to you. That can sound like
complimenting your date or sharing a story that is special to you. Relationships are built upon
sharing about who you are, allowing you to get closer to someone as you both reveal more and more
about yourselves.
A man and a woman sit together on steps while laughing with each other
5. Reframing Catastrophic Thoughts
I’m never going to find someone.
What if he ghosts/rejects me?
This date was a complete disaster.
I’m not good enough for this person.
Do any of these thoughts sound familiar? These statements are catastrophic thoughts and are
common in anxiety. One way to tackle these thoughts is through reframing, a technique to shift
your mindset so you can look at a situation or person from a different perspective.
Reframing thoughts sound like this:
That wasn’t the right person for me.
I am enough. Other people’s choices are not a reflection of who I am.
This is just another bump on the road. Dating is a journey!
I’m human, and anyone I’m with should like me for who I am.
I’m feeling insecure, but there are positive things I like about myself.
Gently remind yourself that these catastrophic thoughts are exaggerations of your beliefs. It may help
to list facts and reasons to prove that your thoughts are not fully accurate. The dating scene can be
overwhelming and unappealing, so one is expected to experience anxiety when getting to know
someone new. But if your anxiety is causing you chronic, debilitating symptoms or if you’re
interested in understanding your dating anxiety, anxiety counseling or therapy can help you
understand the root and function of the anxiety as well as develop healthy coping mechanisms to
manage your symptoms. With professional help, practice, and willingness, you can overcome your
worries and fears of dating and help you feel more confident and comfortable navigating new
relationships. If you’re ready to tap into your healing journey, get in touch with us.