By Lea Nguyen
Sometimes, the signs aren’t always obvious. Or maybe the signs are actually there, but you find
yourself minimizing or denying the abuse.
Abuse takes many forms, and they’re not always easy to spot. This article identifies key red flags to
look for if you believe you’re in an abusive relationship and how you can get help.
Relationship abuse or intimate partner violence is a pattern of abusive or aggressive behavior in
which one partner gains (or attempts to gain) power and control over the other. It can involve one
partner attempting to cause physical, sexual, financial, or psychological/emotional harm to the other.
Anyone can experience domestic violence regardless of age, sexual orientation, gender, identity, and
ethnicity. About 1 in 4 women and nearly 1 in 10 men experience abuse from a partner.
Controlling Behavior
An abusive partner controls (or tries to control) your life, and you don’t feel free to make your own
decisions. You might second-guess your actions in case they might upset your partner and sometimes
feel as if you’re “walking on eggshells.” Sometimes, these controlling behaviors start small and may
seem trivial, but they escalate quickly, and you suddenly start to feel suffocated.
Some common controlling behaviors include your partner:
Constantly checking your text messages or emails
Checking or restricting your financial purchases or habits
Showing up to your workplace or anywhere you are unannounced
Restricting your social media activity or access
Preventing you from talking to certain friends or colleagues (These actions may not be
apparent, and an abusive partner may say things like “I’ll miss you if you leave,” “I need you
here with me,” and “Don’t you want to be with me?” to guilt you from leaving.)
Isolating you from your family or friends by behaving rudely to them
Preventing you from participating in outside activities
Getting inappropriately angry at you for making a decision without asking them first
Keeping track of where you go, what you do, and who you’re with
Telling you how to dress or act
Taking your possessions without your knowledge and/or consent (e.g., car keys)
Breaking your possessions (An abusive partner may damage things you need for work and to make money, such as your car, which limits your independence.)
Pressuring you into sex by demanding or guilting you
Threatening or Violent Behavior
If your partner makes threats toward you or your loved ones, this can be a dangerous warning of
future physical abuse. Threats can include words or actions including:
Threatening to hurt or kill you (Your partner may play it off as a “joke,” but it is a telltale
sign of what they can potentially do to you.)
Showing you a weapon or gesturing it at you
Threatening to hurt or kill your loved ones (family, friends, pets)
Threatening to hurt or kill themselves
Yelling and insulting you that may feel threatening and scary (you may notice your disagreements escalate into screaming matches.)
Even if such threats do not escalate to violence, they are a form of emotional abuse that causes
emotional harm or trauma.
Physical violence may seem like an obvious form of abuse, but such behaviors typically begin with
seemingly frivolous actions such as pinching, pushing, and grabbing but then escalates to violent
behavior such as hitting, choking, and slapping. Additionally, if your partner gets violent and
damages property, this behavior is another form of physical violence that instills fear to ensure they
are still in control.
Your partner may “love bomb” you to try to make up for their behavior with exaggerated
compliments, buying you extravagant gifts, making promises to change, or telling you exaggerated
statements like “You are my soulmate.” or “I can’t live without you.” They draw you back in by being
attentive and loving, making it hard for you to stay angry and upset with them. However, there is a
high chance that their pattern of violent behavior will continue.
Feeling Scared of or Inferior to Your Partner
You may be afraid of how your partner may react, so you apologize for your actions, even though no
apology is warranted or you’re unsure of what you’re even sorry for, to head off their anger,
accusations, and threatening or violent behavior. When you do voice your opinion and express your
needs or concerns, your partner may shut you down by dismissing them or responding with
contempt, insults, and name-calling. Such behavior demonstrates a lack of respect which affects your
self-esteem, making you feel unlovable and less likely to leave your abusive partner.
You may even feel like everything that’s wrong in the relationship is your fault. Emotional abuse
convinces you to lose confidence in your own perspective. Your partner may tell you that you need
to be told what to do or criticized because of your “bad behavior.”
You may have been told countless times that you’re crazy, wrong, or stupid and that you’ve started to
believe it yourself. You may have spent more time making your partner happy or avoiding rocking
the boat that you spend so little time on your own, doing things you enjoy, spending time with
people you care about, that you’ve become unsure of yourself.
Healing From an Abusive Relationship
Individuals in abusive relationships may mistakenly believe that the abuse is their own fault and they
somehow “deserve” the abuse. It’s important to know you’re never to blame for how your partner
mistreats or abuses you. An abusive partner may justify or excuse their behavior by accusing you of
something you did or didn’t do that caused their reactions. The truth is no matter what you say or
do, your partner’s abusive behavior is never your fault.
The signs of abuse should not be taken lightly. An abusive relationship damages your self-esteem,
self-worth, sense of autonomy, sense of safety, and general well-being. You may experience symptoms
of depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and/or suicidal thoughts. It is
important to repair this damage and recovering from the abuse begins with acknowledging that the
abuse happened, rather than attempting to minimize or deny the pain you withstood. Abuse is not
love.
At Haven Mental Health Counseling, our trauma-informed therapists are trained to help you
recover from abuse by guiding you to rebuild your self-worth and find your own voice as a strong,
independent individual who is worthy of love as exactly as you are. You deserve to be seen, heard,
and respected. Get in touch with us, and we will help you every step of the way to safety and
recovery.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Survivors of domestic violence may receive temporary
housing, emergency shelter, and other vital and supportive services for themselves and their children
by calling the NYC Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-621-4673 (HOPE) or the National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788). For more resources and
information on domestic violence including neighborhood services, visit NYC HOPE.