By Maya Chandy
Any form of abuse—physical or emotional—is extremely damaging, especially
because it can get overlooked and become normalized in a relationship as it takes
place over an extended period of time. Ongoing emotional abuse can take a toll on
your mind, body, and relationships, making it increasingly difficult to leave the
abusive relationship over time.
This is particularly concerning given that abuse is, contrary to popular belief,
common: one in four women and one in ten men experience domestic violence
during their lifetime. In light of these statistics, everyone should be equipped to
recognize and address abusive behaviors.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse occurs between intimate partners when one person attempts to
control another through emotionally manipulative tactics such as:
Shaming
Blaming
Criticizing
Humiliating
Name-calling
Verbally attacking
Emotional abuse isn’t always automatically apparent, so spotting the warning signs
isn’t necessarily a simple ask. Paying attention to how interactions make you feel
can shed light on problematic communication patterns. If your partner regularly
makes you feel ashamed, incompetent, worthless, or unstable, you should consider
taking a closer look at the nature of your relationship.
The Five Phases of Emotional Abuse
1. Honeymoon Phase
The honeymoon phase is the “good” part of your relationship. This includes the
courtship period or the time when your partner was saying and doing all the right
things to win you over. The honeymoon phase also encompasses the time in
between abusive incidents when your partner is trying to re-establish trust by
offering compliments, affection, or favors. The early and ideal stages of your
relationship alongside inconsistent behavior fuel doubt and can make you hopeful.
You probably wonder how the person you first met could say or do such terrible
things. You tell yourself they are just going through a lot, so their behavior is bound
to change soon. If you are gaslighted, you even question whether you exaggerated
or perhaps even imagined the abuse.
2. Tension Building
Tension happens when stressors accumulate. While problems like work pressure,
financial strain, and exhaustion can make anyone feel tense, an abuser is prone to
taking out their internal discomfort on you. As the tension builds, your partner’s
prior attempts to attain your trust and admiration come to an end. Instead, they
yell constantly or barely talk at all, giving you the “silent treatment.” They criticize
everything you do or get irritated about the smallest things. And they set unrealistic
expectations, then blame you for not meeting their needs, which can be used to
justify treating you poorly.
A man holding his head as if he’s angry or in pain.
3. Explosion
When the tension becomes overwhelming, your partner resumes the abuse,
hoping to obtain a fake sense of power and control. The intensity of the verbal
attacks increases. They start yelling or breaking things. They start hurling criticisms,
insults, or offensive names at you. Or perhaps they threaten to hurt you, which is
especially alarming considering emotional abuse can quickly escalate into a violent
altercation.
4. Reconciliation
Reconciliation occurs when your partner is pining for forgiveness following an
abusive incident. They offer an insincere apology, then temporarily change their
behavior, and they make false promises, assuring you that it won’t happen again.
Your partner might use manipulative tactics to try to repair your bond.
Reconciliation therefore usually involves love bombing, which is when an abuser
exploits flattery and affection to create a falsely loving, appreciative environment.
Unlike a healthier form of attention, love bombing not only tends to be dramatic
but also appears incongruous or odd because when someone follows abuse with
flattery, your brain signals something is “off.” It’s not uncommon to push away
these signals because you care about your partner, and you want things to work
out. It might also feel scary to think about leaving because you’re not sure what
that would look like. However, your instincts are protective, and dismissing them is
rarely a good idea.
5. Calm
Between the abusive incidents, your partner temporarily becomes their better self,
reminding you of the person you thought you fell in love. But the calmness never
lasts. After a little while, the tension starts to build up again and the cycle
continues.
Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse
While calm periods can be associated with relief and happiness, the abuse is still
affecting you. In fact, abuse is closely linked to lasting mental and physical
consequences. The risk of developing anxiety is elevated in an abusive relationship
since you are always consciously—or subconsciously—anticipating an explosion.
Plus, abuse lowers your self-esteem, optimism, and sense of agency, which
contributes to depressive symptoms.
The stress that accompanies abuse raises your heart rate and blood pressure,
increasing your chances of cardiovascular complications. Essentially, even if the
abuse isn’t constant, the consequences don’t simply turn “on” and “off.” Your body
and brain are under substantial strain, and your quality of life is compromised. You
might even become sick more often or feel physical symptoms from the trauma of
the abuse.
You Suspect You’re in an Abusive Relationship, What Now?
Abuse typically gets worse, not better, over time. That said, leaving an abusive
relationship isn’t an easy endeavor. It can feel lonely and fill you with questions and
doubts about how to best care for yourself. Fortunately, the trauma-informed
therapists at HavenMHC can provide you with the support you need to recognize
abuse and remove yourself from an unhealthy situation.
Ultimately, you deserve a safe, judgment-free space to process your experiences
and begin your healing journey. Reach out for a free consultation to get started on
your path to healing.
References
Cherelus, Gina. (2022). What is Love Bombing? New York Times.
Bottaro, Angelica. (2022). How to Recognize and End the Cycle of Emotional Abuse.
Very Well Health.
Rivara, F., Adhia, A., Lions, V., Massey, A., Mills, B., Morgan, E., Simckes, M. Rowhani,
A. (2019). The Effect of Violence on Health. Health Affairs, 38(10).