By Lea Nguyen
Do things feel off in your relationship, but you can’t seem to articulate what’s
wrong?
Do you feel manipulated by your partner but also feel confused and at fault
somehow?
Does your partner uphold a certain image in public, but behind closed
doors, they’re someone very, very different?
When you think of narcissism, you might think of someone who is full of
themselves, often trying to maintain the spotlight, ego-stroking their importance
and accomplishments, and requiring excessive admiration. However, not all those
who have narcissistic traits seem this way.
Covert narcissists hide many of the typical signs of a grandiose narcissist, but they still use manipulation to get their way and have a strong desire to feel special and entitled in comparison to other people.
Many appear shy, quiet, anxious, and even depressed, yet inside, they are
chronically envious of others, unable to handle criticism, and lack empathy for
others. Most covert narcissists feel entitled not because of any special qualities or
talents but because they feel exceptional because of pain and suffering.
Dr. Campbell, author of The New Science of Narcissism, notes that it takes some
time to see the self-centeredness in covert narcissism because it displays as
insecurity, defensiveness, and anger about other people’s success and being
unappreciated or undervalued.
It is important to distinguish between someone who has covert narcissistic
tendencies and someone with a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Narcissism exists on a continuum, and it’s a trait that we all possess to varying
degrees. The signs below give you a few indicators of narcissistic tendencies, but it
does not mean that your partner is clinically diagnosed with NPD. NPD can only be
diagnosed by a mental health professional.
They Constantly Play the “Victim”
Do you somehow find yourself apologizing no matter the situation even when you
share your own feelings of being hurt and misunderstood? At the end of the day,
your partner is always the injured party. Maybe statements like, “You never
appreciate what I do for you,” “You’re oversensitive,” “You’re overreacting,” or
“That’s not what I said” hit close to home for you.
Covert narcissists always feel criticized and unsupported, despite your efforts to
make them feel loved and comforted. Whatever you do is seemingly just isn’t good
enough. Your partner most likely uses gaslighting or invalidation to coerce you, and
you end up doubting and second-guessing yourself and your reality and feel
anxious and paranoid.
They’re Hypersensitive
Covert narcissists are highly emotional and volatile, and you might even find
yourself “walking on eggshells” around them. They constantly seek reassurance and
validation but are quick to become very defensive and reactive when they feel
threatened or criticized, whether the threats or criticism were real or imagined.
They are extremely dependent on validation and admiration from others, given
their low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.
A man and a woman are sitting and having an argument.
They Lack Empathy
Do you find your partner pointing out your shortcomings and mistakes rather than
consoling or comforting you when you share you had a bad day? Does he somehow
bring the conversation back to his own needs or get angry at you for sharing your
unhappiness? You find it challenging to talk about your own feelings without the
conversation being turned back on to her and feeling like you’re a burden. With a
lack of empathy, they will be unwilling and unable to understand your point of
view.
Although you might have seen your partner display empathy to others, covert
narcissists know how to show empathy at the right moment when it is socially
expected. However, behind closed doors, their empathy is not based on
compassion but rather on imitation.
They Are Extremely Jealous
Covert narcissists not only have difficulty consoling others during difficult times but
also have difficulty supporting others during their big moments. They become
bitter, envious, and resentful of others’ achievements, including their spouses. They
have a hard time playing second fiddle. In response to your success, they may
make invalidating statements like:
“I recently did XYZ, which is far more challenging than what you did.”
“You just got lucky.”
“Why are you making a big deal about something so insignificant?”
Artwork showing a person climbing a ladder to reach for the star, while another person is attempting to cut the ladder off with a saw
They might even bring attention to their own suffering or victimization if they
cannot compete with your success.
They Don’t Understand Boundaries
Boundaries get in the way of your partner’s ability to control and manipulate you
and others around them. Covert narcissists have a way to enmesh themselves in
other people’s lives and even others in their own lives. If you’ve asked for some
distance, they may react in a way as if you have abandoned or rejected them. Your
partner may require you to be involved with their family and friends while isolating
you from your own. Your partner may even be extremely involved in your life or
“love-bomb” you where so much happens too quickly before you can even
comprehend what occurred, leading to an enmeshed relationship. You may even
feel like you’re losing your sense of identity and individuality.
If you find yourself resonating a bit too much with these descriptions,
you may also be asking yourself what you can do. Ultimately, once you
are aware of what the situation is, you have a decision to make:
either stay in the relationship or leave.
Realistically, it may be difficult to leave a relationship, especially if you find yourself
in a vicious cycle of codependency. Being frequently subjected to this kind of
treatment can chip away at your self-esteem and self-worth, and overall mental
health. Whether you make the decision to invite your partner to couple’s
counseling to work on the relationship or process the emotional wounds of being
in this relationship or need support on how to prepare and plan your departure
from the relationship in your individual therapy, our team of therapists at Haven
Mental Health Counseling can help you find your voice again, protect yourself, and
create space for you to heal.