Can you recover after infidelity?
Absolutely. If you both commit, you can rebuild and renew your relationship.
However, you cannot do it without being more honest than you’ve ever been. You cannot skip steps and “get over it” without work. You must want to heal fully and forgive, even if the process is difficult and slower than you’d like. Affair recovery won’t happen overnight.
Nor should it. You both deserve better than the relationship you had. The rock-solid relationship you long for comes with facing the past and forging new respect for each other. Then, forgiveness and forward movement are more likely to last.
So, What is Affair Recovery Exactly?
Unlike some forms of recovery, your relationship work is not focused on returning to a former state. The old relationship will not suffice. To succeed, renowned relationship expert and researcher John Gottman suggests that you’ll be working from the ground up. It’s important to work on
developing healthier conflict communication
turning towards each other
improve emotional attunement.
Obviously, for this recovery effort to succeed, the betrayed partner has to be certain the affair is completely done, never to be rekindled.
Recovery starts with atonement.
To start healing, atonement by the unfaithful partner must occur. The goal is not to immediately achieve forgiveness. Instead, the level of relationship damage and deep hurt is acknowledged and accepted. The betrayed partner is recognized and heard. Accountability and transparency are freely offered.
Conquering the “Four Horsemen” is key.
Dr. Gottman notes that overcoming relationship betrayal hinges on honest and productive conflict.
From there, it is crucial to tackle the destructive ways you communicate as well. Gottman calls them “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” and predictors of divorce. Thus, curing your relationship of 1) criticism 2) defensiveness 3) contempt and 4) stonewalling (refusal to communicate) restores connection effectively.
This is difficult without the guidance of a therapist. They can help you stay focused and aware of unproductive communication patterns. Still, with support, partners can become better listeners, learning to routinely connect emotionally. By developing the skills to calmly and productively discuss needs and soothe stress together, fondness and admiration can be established.
Deeper attachment occurs as pulling away becomes part of the past.
To make significant gains in your relationship after an affair, you must practice “turning towards” each other. According to Gottman’s research, trust, safety, and closeness regenerate as bids for attention are noticed and honored with responsiveness. Restoring positivity via affirmation, affection, and warmth are extremely important as you forge fresh memories and a stronger connection.
Allowing space for vulnerability as you to get to know each other again makes a future together more real and possible. Learning to “map” each other’s inner lives connects points of hope and history in each other’s worlds. It bonds you. Sharing, getting curious and connecting emotionally begin to lay a firmer relationship foundation. Over time, investment and intimacy in the relationship grow.
Also, appreciating each other’s efforts to recover and recommit will continue to solidify your connection.
Why Does Affair Recovery Matter?
You deserve to fully process the trauma of betrayal completely. You don’t deserve to constantly live with the fallout of hurt and shame connected to the affair. Taking the time to accept and steady your emotions is important and necessary.
You can both come through this season with calm and purpose. If understanding, forgiveness, and growth are possible, you deserve the opportunity to experience them. In addition, you may even find that deeper love results.
Affair Recovery Is Possible
Finally, in his book What Makes Love Last, Dr. Gottman proposes that committed couples can recover. Despite your current unhappiness, his research indicates that couples facing infidelity enjoy the same levels of satisfaction as other couples if they embrace proven recovery techniques. Affair recovery is worth the effort.
Don’t give up without trying therapy. We are here to help. Please read more about couples counseling and reach out soon for a consultation. Let’s see how we can work together to bring you and your partner peace of mind.