The disappointment and grief that comes with divorce can be both unexpected and overwhelming. And it most definitely is a struggle, to put it mildly, to navigate. And yet, we may also feel like divorce is not as deserving of grief as death, which we may feel is more worthy of bereavement and feeling the pain of loss. Why don’t we usually ascribe the same thought process or understanding to the end of a marriage?
Maybe because some of us may say “good riddance” and refuse ourselves the right to lament a bad situation. Perhaps some of us tend to lose ourselves in trauma and depression, unsure how to helpfully and hopefully move forward. We may be caught in the storm of the heartbreak, even if we know we’ve left an unhealthy or toxic situation. We tell ourselves that we should move forward and all the reasons that we should be thankful. However, most of us miss the fact that while being grateful, disappointment and grief must also be honored when a perceived future dies. It’s healthy to productively and intentionally make space for all the various and seemingly contradictory feelings that come up, and intentionally and productively let go.
But how?
Coping with the end of your marriage requires acceptance, emotional validation, and processing the past with a new future in mind. Regardless of the circumstances of your divorce, the transition takes time and effort to go on. It may feel impossible to get out from underneath the dark cloud and the weight of where you find yourself. You may not fully understand why it hurts so much even though you chose to leave. This is to be expected. You needn’t rush through it or feel ashamed. Give yourself the necessary attention and consider the following strategies to heal.
Allow Yourself to Accept the Possible Losses of Divorce
Divorce marks the end of a planned life with your partner. A life that you may have dreamt of for many years. It symbolizes the hopes and dreams that were not realized. This is the time you must accept that there may be a lifestyle, goals, relationships, and material things to mourn, which is part of your healing process. Just a few examples include:
Future dreams: This is a reality that often manifests over time and is often difficult to grasp the different ways your envisioned future will be affected.
Raising your family: Changing your perspective of family life and co-parenting is often very difficult. Splitting parenting time and walking kids through the changes can be challenging, but not impossible.
Home and location: Selling the family home, changing neighborhoods, or even moving in with parents may make losses even more stressful.
In-laws/extended family relationships: Your relationship with your former spouse’s family may change significantly or become strained. You may end up severing relationships which you enjoyed to create distance from your ex.
Social circles: It isn’t unusual for friends and coworkers to choose sides. You may also find yourself feeling like an outsider in familiar circles due to no longer being coupled. It may even be difficult to be around friends who you know while married. Eventually, you may end up mourning lost relationships.
Financial stability: Depending on your circumstances, certain financial arrangements and/or child support could significantly impact your lifestyle. You might have to figure out ways to support yourself or manage your finances that weren’t previously a thought.
Shared possessions: Dividing shared possessions may have a traumatizing effect. It’s normal to have a sentimental connection to various objects, and the idea of parting ways can add to the toll that everything else has already taken.
Intimacy: Being part of a couple, even amid difficulty, provided a sense of familiarity and comfort. There’s a comfort in the presence of another, even if just the physical warmth of a body to sleep next to. Being single can quite lonely at first, especially for those who feel emotionally nourished through touch.
Finally, for a time, you may lose a sense of yourself. It may feel like the rug got pulled from underneath you. You may feel lost, or perhaps drown yourself in work with each day feeling like a month as you go through the discomfort, pain, and confusion. Experiencing a decline in confidence, self-image, personal identity, and a sense of belonging is common and quite painful. You might mourn your hopes for finding lasting love in general. Navigating the changes will require taking time for yourself to pause and recalibrate with self-compassion, support, and patience.
Grieving Your Divorce is Validating and Productive
Grief is natural. Your divorce happened to you, and you have every right to notice its impact and to feel validated. You deserve time to process every emotion. This is a journey that much be taken, and has the potential and power to reveal much about you, your relationship, and your needs going forward. Everyone copes with the loss and transition of divorce differently.
No one grieves exactly the same way. That’s okay. You may feel the urge to push away the difficult feelings and deny yourself the necessary time to process everything you went through. Your loved ones may also encourage you to “move on” and friends may lovingly but forcibly pressure you “to get over it.” As well intentioned as your friends and family might be, remember that no one else can apply their timeline to your experience. Only you get to determine your own pace and process. The beauty of navigating your divorce with a therapist is that counseling because it provides a journey compassionately tailored to your healing.
Work Through Your Feelings
It can be really difficult, if not excruciating at times, to work through overwhelming emotions without help. There are court dates, custody arrangements, financial settlements, and more that get in the way of really sitting with your feelings. It may even feel like the adrenaline rush from these things keeps you going and pushing through. That’s understandable, but it can be mentally taxing in the long run.
Don’t push your feelings aside. Prioritize your mental health and self-care, and seek out supportive relationships to help you recover. The ability to productively self-soothe and connect with others can head off health problems, depression, and poor coping tendencies.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry. It might feel ironic, but accepting and working through all of your emotions will put the anxieties of your divorce in their proper place and further equip you to embrace whatever comes next.
You Are Not Alone
To maintain a healthy perspective, seek the comfort and support of an objective party. Sometimes, having the support of someone who is unrelated to you allows for s different perspective. Therapy can give you a safe space to reflect on the lessons of your past relationship. Sharing openly can foster key insights about your needs and wants. Taking a step back from disappointment may support a broader point of view and hope for your new path and may let you focus on the change in a positive way.
Grieving is often a natural precursor for moving into new life chapters. Let’s work together to reimagine your future. Read about individual therapy here and contact us soon for a consultation. Remember that you do not have to go through this alone.