If you’re in a committed relationship, you’ve probably experienced it. The fight that
somehow keeps coming up. No matter what you’re arguing about, somehow you
end up right back where you were in the last conflict. And the one before that. And
the one before that.
It’s natural for couples to fight. Let’s face it. You are two different people who are
trying to live together in harmony, but with different approaches to so many things
in life. According to Dr. John Gottman, every couple has what he calls “Perpetual
Problems” or issues that come up due to differences in personality or
fundamental differences in how you approach life. This isn’t to say that your
relationship can’t survive with these problems. Just that there will always be issues
that come up again and again. And again.
In addition to core differences in personality, these issues can arise from pain that
has been carried over from the past, differences in communication style, and
emotional needs being unmet. The problem is when you don’t know how to
address these recurring issues and end up feeling frustrated, disconnected and
stuck.
Breaking Down Repetitive Arguments
No matter what the cause of these arguments, they can end up becoming the
cause of frustration and lead to resentment. Sometimes it can begin to feel like the
repetitive issue is all that’s present in the relationship and the good things that
brought you together can fall onto the sidelines.
That’s why it is important to spend time understanding where your repetitive
argument is rooted and be intentional in how you address it.
Unresolved Issues: One of the primary reasons repetitive arguments persist is
that underlying issues are never fully resolved. This might have to do with how
you were hurt by an in-law or when your partner dismissed your request for
spending time together. These types of experiences often shed light on bigger
differences between partners in how they express and would like to receive
love. Rather than getting to understand the underlying needs, if both of you
end up getting defensive and pointing fingers at each other, these issues will
continue to resurface. And rather than seeing that your partner is hurting and
desperate for connection and love, all you will see is someone who is never
satisfied. The pain from these types of interactions can end up causing an
ongoing cycle of arguments unless addressed.
Communication Misses: Emotional pain can often show up as anger. When
unresolved issues continue to fester, communication can become increasingly
difficult. Couples often end up missing each other - when one partner makes
an effort to repair things, the other isn’t ready to hear it. When the second is
finally feeling ready for a repair, the first is angry all over again. In these
situations, the heat of the pain and anger can cause misinterpretations and at
times even complete dismissal of positive efforts being made by your partner.
The ongoing cycle of failed attempts and feeling unseen and unheard will
cause you to continue fighting about the same issue without budging on either
side. This is often where the tug of war feeling comes in and each partner
either completely buckles down or one partner gives in, but only to restore a
sense of normalcy that likely will fall apart when the issue is triggered again.
Emotional Triggers: Repetitive arguments can be triggered by certain words,
actions, or situations that evoke strong emotional reactions. As arguments are
repeated, the triggers get even more sensitive and you might notice that you
or your partner are more easily provoked. These triggers can be a result of the
breakdown in communication between the both of you OR they can also be
coming from past experiences, traumas, or insecurities.
Whatever the cause, emotional triggers will make you or your partner react to
things in a way that seems irrational.
Unmet Needs: As arguments become more common, you and your partner
might stop sharing your needs with each other. What may have started
because of an unmet need may end up exacerbating the issue and making you
feel completely alone despite being in a relationship. Unmet emotional needs
can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction and frustration in a relationship. If you or
your partner feel like your emotional needs are consistently ignored or
neglected, you may end up expressing your frustration through repetitive
arguments, hoping to draw attention to your unmet needs.
The Good News
So long as there is arguing, we know that both of you are still engaged in the
relationship. It tells us that both of you are still willing to fight - but may need to
relearn how to fight so that you and your relationship can heal.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from the cycle of repetitive arguments requires both you and your
partner to commit to self-awareness, empathy, and effective communication
strategies. Here are some practical steps that you can take:
Self-Reflection: You and your partner should take time to reflect on your own
triggers, insecurities, and communication styles. This is often one of the
hardest things for people to do. It means you’ll have to be honest with yourself
about the things that upset you, why, AND how you are contributing to the
cycle that you’re stuck in. Understanding your own emotional landscape is
essential to effectively navigate the dynamics of your relationship.
Open Communication: Create a safe and judgment-free space for open
dialogue. One of my most repeated phrases to couples is that they must
approach these conversations with compassion and curiosity. You have to be
willing to try and understand your partner's point of view. You have to be
willing to listen without jumping in and defending your perspective or
jumping to all the reasons why you disagree. If you can ask questions to
genuinely understand your partner (and vice versa), it will allow you to discuss
the patterns of repetitive arguments in a more productive way. Ideally, it will
help restore a sense of emotional safety in these conversations and you can
eventually be more open about your triggers and how you feel in the
moments where the argument is happening rather than having those feelings
fester.
Active Listening: To be heard, you have to also be willing to listen. So many
arguments can be avoided if you take a moment to check and ask your partner
if what you’re understanding is actually what your partner is saying. I’ve met so
many couples who jump to conclusions (and not in a good way) about what
their partner is saying within the first few words that are said. Practice active
listening by giving your full attention to your partner's perspective and
holding off on judgment and assumptions until you’ve had a chance to clarify.
Avoid interrupting or formulating responses while they speak.
Emotional Validation: As humans, we thrive on being acknowledged and seen
in a positive light. And repetitive arguments are the one of the biggest culprits
in robbing couples of this. It’s essential to create a habit of gratitude and
acknowledgement when your partner does something kind or makes an effort.
In addition, it’s also important to acknowledge your partner’s feelings without
judgment, even if you disagree with what they are feeling.
Validating emotions doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with the content of the
argument; it signifies acknowledging the validity of your partner's emotions.
Seek Professional Help: If breaking the cycle feels challenging, seeking the
guidance of a mental health professional, such as a couples' counselor, can be
immensely beneficial. A skilled therapist can provide insights, tools, and
techniques to help couples navigate through their repetitive arguments.
Sometimes it takes someone who isn’t emotionally involved in the relationship
to be able to help each of you get a different perspective and reflect on where
there might be misunderstandings in communication. A therapist can also
help you recognize where your own traumas and triggers may be contributing
to the conflicts as well as help you and your partner notice these parts of you
with more compassion.
Conclusion
Repetitive arguments are a common challenge in relationships, but they don't have
to be insurmountable. By understanding the psychological and emotional factors
that contribute to these cycles, couples can take proactive steps towards healthier
communication and deeper connection. Breaking free from the loop of repetitive
arguments requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth, ultimately
leading to a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership. If you feel like your
relationship needs support, our therapists are here to help. Reach out so that you
can make the shift from repetitive arguments to repair and rekindling your love.