Some of the most difficult counseling cases that I come across are of individuals who have suffered at the hands of a narcissistic parent, partner, sibling, or significant other in their life. Don’t get me wrong. These situations are not difficult because of the victims who I see in my office. What’s heartbreaking is to see how the deep impact that narcissistic abuse has on a person. It can shape and shake the foundation of who you are. Narcissistic abuse can make you question your sanity, worth, and sense of self. And unless you’ve been through it, it may be difficult to fully comprehend just how sinister a narcissist is. For the purposes of this blog post, we’ll take a closer look at narcissistic abuse as it shows up in romantic relationships, though there will be overlaps in narcissistic behavior no matter the relationship.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like having the rug pulled out from underneath you over and over and over. When you dreamed of a partner, you likely never imagined a person who would wear you down with ego and arrogance. Or confuse you with subtle jabs of condescension and loads of gaslighting. You hoped to be treated well, loved intentionally, and respected daily. And you deserve as much.
However, if you find yourself in a relationship where you’re constantly feeling like you’re on the defense, questioning what you may have done wrong this time, or have a disturbing feeling when examining what’s going on between you and your partner, it’s important that you take time to honor your feelings.
Is your partner just insensitive? Are they a reformable jerk? Or is this a relationship mountain you shouldn’t keep trying to climb? Perhaps you’re just overreacting?
Maybe.
Could it be that you become the target of narcissistic abuse? Good question.
Let’s look deeper at your experience for answers:
Key Challenges of a Relationship with a Narcissist
Generally, narcissistic behavior puts a strain on a connection that should be meaningful, loving, balanced. Why? Narcissists come first in their own minds. They must focus the relationship on themselves and their own needs.
The result? You suffer. Why? Because your role is to count for less, ask for less, and expect less for yourself. And sadly, the methodical, manipulative way this occurs can do significant damage to your self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. When you’re in the thick of it, it can be hard to read your narcissistic partner. In fact, they can seem so attentive and engaged at times that you feel thoroughly off-balance as you try to make things work. To gain some perspective, be aware of the way you and your partner interact.
Is The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle at Play?
This cycle of interaction is broken down into three key stages: idealization, devaluation, and rejection.
Idealization Marks Your Initial Connection
Romantic relationship carries with it a wealth of infatuation, and exhilaration in the initial phase. It’s the desire to reclaim that seeming adoration that can keep an abused partner with a narcissist. For the narcissist, those early days serve a different function. They idealize their partner and place them on a pedestal early on. They see perfection in their partner and claim that person as their own, pouring affections on them, even overwhelming them with their dedication.
But of course, their partner is not perfect. Perhaps you know what it’s like to be thrown off your partner’s pedestal?
You’re Disparaged and Devalued
For most couples, the euphoria fades as a contented routine emerges. Most partners grow closer and learn to work as a team. Not for those in a narcissistic abuse cycle.
Instead, the narcissist affection fades as perceived perfection of their partner fades. For the narcissist, your value is how well you boost their own self-image and significance. Is your narcissistic partner putting you down or withholding intimacy? Do they flip things around and play the victim when you call them on their behavior?
It’s not all in your head.
Rejection Becomes Routine
Narcissists can’t reasonably, respectfully communicate and resolve their differences equitably. Rejection plays a big part of manipulating their partner. If you never measure up and feel at a loss as to how to stay in your partner’s good graces, your relationship is not good for you. Which is how a narcissistic partner prefers it.
What’s worse, if you don’t stop it, the abuse cycle will continue to do damage until you partner tires of it. They likely have a string of broken relationships, never realizing that they are the problem.
So… Can You Heal and Live Well Again?
Definitely! But it isn’t easy. Your partner’s manipulation is likely very thorough; thus, you’ll need the help of a professional.
How can therapist help?
Learn How to Disarm Your Narcissistic Partner
Narcissists are fueled by reaction and conflict. This maintains the perception that you are the problem and they are the solution. To disarm a narcissist means maintaining the self-control that allows you to remain calm, self-confident, and capable of not feeding the drama. This is no easy feat when the narcissist in your life knows exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction out of you. Their jabs may infuriate you, rightly so, and make you want to explode. However, doing this only further empowers the narcissist and gives them ammunition to further the smear campaign against you. Your best solution is to remain calm, as impossible as it might seem, and therefore remain in control of the situation. Trauma therapy is an excellent resource to learn these skills and ones that your therapist can help you develop.
Learn to Set Firm Boundaries
Healing means setting boundaries. Holding to what you feel is physically or emotionally unacceptable is everything. However, if you grew up in a home where boundaries weren’t respected or landed in a relationship where you’ve been made to question yourself, this can be quite difficult. Boundary setting is easier said than done and require consistency and confidence in its implementation. You’ll need validation and support in recognizing your needs and limitations while also developing the strength to stand up for yourself. The consequences of this may include the narcissist in your life becoming more intense in his/her efforts to disparage and villainize you. This is the time to remain firm and consistent, but requires courage. Thus, your therapist can help you prioritize your needs and stay committed to them, while helping you determine how (or if) the relationship proceeds.
Experience Support Without an Agenda
Professional counseling is essential when coping with a narcissist. You need a safe, compassionate space. You deserve to be seen and heard. Narcissistic partners don’t provide that. In fact, vulnerability is a liability with a narcissist.
We’re here to provide help and hope. Please don’t suffer in silence. Read more about trauma therapy and reach out soon for a consultation.