By Lea Nguyen
“Getting out” or leaving a relationship is not as easy as it sounds, especially in an
abusive relationship. It is important to remember that individuals of domestic
violence do not need to experience physical or sexual abuse. Abuse can be masked
by other forms, such as financial or psychological/emotional harm. Any form of
abuse by a partner firmly establishes a pattern of intimidation and control, leaving
the other feeling fearful, vulnerable, and powerless to act on their own behalf.
The cycle of violence is a vicious and complex pattern that keeps survivors locked in
their relationships. The cycle was developed by Dr. Lenore Walker, a researcher
and psychologist specializing in domestic violence.
There are three phases in the cycle of violence:
1. Tension-Building Phase
2. Crisis Phase
3. Honeymoon Phase
Tension-Building Phase
In this phase, the relationship begins to simmer with tension. Tension-building
doesn’t necessarily have a specific duration and can last for hours, days, months to
even years. Throughout the phase, you may find your partner raising their voice,
being verbally abusive (e.g., criticism, swearing, name-calling), becoming jealous or
possessive, giving you the silent treatment, and/or reacting irrationally angry over
imagined or real minor infractions in the relationship. They may feel ignored,
threatened, annoyed, or wronged by you, making you believe that this justifies their
abusive behavior. You feel as if you’re “walking on eggshells.” You often worry or
are fearful as if “something” is about to happen. You make sure everything is
perfect to avoid “rocking the boat.” You may feel that if you calm or nurture your
abusive partner, the fight will end. However, your partner only gets increasingly
tense and irritated after each minor incident that upsets them. Your efforts to try to
adapt or cope with their behavior become less and less effective at de-escalating
the tension.
After each incident, you may find yourself rationalizing and justifying their behavior
as reactions related to stress. Maybe you find yourself saying “Oh, he’s just had a
bad day at work,” or “he’s just worried about our finances.” In the end, you may
tend to blame yourself for not being able to make things right.
Crisis Phase
This phase is often called “the blow-up” or “explosion.” The escalating tension
brings out the most abusive violence as the relationship enters the crisis phase.
The abusive partner has a deliberate desire to hurt you and verbally, physically,
and/or sexually attacks you. Although this is the shortest phase, lasting from
minutes to hours, it is the most intensive, destructive, and emotionally charged.
The outbursts of violence cannot be predicted or controlled in any way.
As the crisis phase occurs more frequently, you may even try to trigger the violence
to relieve your own apprehension over not knowing when they’re about to explode.
After the violence, you may experience disbelief, depression, and anxiety. You may
feel powerless and want to isolate yourself to process what has happened. You
may minimize the severity of the violence or even deny that it happened
altogether.
Honeymoon Phase
When the dust settles, the abuser feels sorry for the “explosion” and may “love
bomb” you to make up for their behavior. They may act apologetic, ask for
forgiveness, and say things like:
I’ll never do that again.
I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
I promise I will change/get help.
I only acted this way because I lost my cool, was drunk/high, etc.
The abusive partner may continue to use other forms of abuse, such as financial
abuse or psychological/emotional abuse to ensure they maintain their sense of
control during this phase.
Their “love bombing” and apology embody everything you may have wanted from
this relationship. These manipulative strategies ensure that the relationship doesn’t
end. You are made to believe that your partner will never do anything like that
again, and you are reminded of the person you had fallen in love with, which only
confuses you about whether you should leave or stay. However, the vicious cycle is
bound to continue, and the tension starts to build again.
A red rope frayed in the middle and pulled on both sides
Breaking the Cycle
Without intervention, the frequency and severity of the abuse increase over time.
The honeymoon phase may become shorter while the tension and violence
increase. To break the cycle, individuals in abusive relationships must come to
terms with and acknowledge that abuse is happening and that the relationship is
harmful. It may take several attempts for you to decide to finally leave your
partner for good. Feelings of guilt, insecurity, and/or concern for yourself and your
children’s well-being may become the motivating factor in your decision-making
process to leave the relationship.
At Haven Mental Health Counseling, our trauma-informed therapists are trained to
help you recover from the vicious cycle of abuse by guiding you to rebuild your self-
worth and find your own voice as a strong, independent individual who is worthy of
love as exactly as you are. You deserve to be seen, heard, and respected. Get in
touch with us, and we will help you every step of the way to safety and recovery.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Survivors of domestic violence may receive
temporary housing, emergency shelter, and other vital and supportive services for
themselves and their children by calling the NYC Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-
621-4673 (HOPE) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (or
text START to 88788). For more resources and information on domestic violence
including neighborhood services, visit NYC HOPE.