By Maya Chandy
When it comes to domestic violence, most of us automatically think of physical abuse. But domestic
violence—or a problematic pattern of behavior used to gain power over a partner, spouse, or
intimate family member—can take multiple forms. Extreme manipulation, control, or
disparagement can be just as harmful as physical abuse, yet these behaviors are often harder to
identify. This is especially concerning given that psychological abuse can easily escalate into a
situation that results in physical injuries as well.
Unfortunately, many don’t realize they are in or have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. So
educating yourself about the less obvious warning signs is critical when it comes to protecting
yourself and others from domestic violence.
Subtler Signs of Domestic Violence
1. Isolation
An abusive partner can use isolation to keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Keeping you
away from loved ones makes it easier to hide abusive behaviors and, without a support network, you
are more likely to feel completely dependent on your partner.
Signs of intentional isolation include:
Your partner insists on knowing your social media passwords, listening to your phone calls, or reading your text messages.
You can’t have your own friends, or you are unable to socialize independently.
Your contact with family is restricted.
2. Financial Manipulation
Financial abuse occurs in the vast majority of domestic violence cases as it is another tactic to keep
you stuck in a toxic relationship. Without adequate financial resources, you probably feel less self-
reliant, less capable of standing on your own. Here are potential examples of financial manipulation:
You aren’t allowed to work.
You do not have a bank account or credit card.
You don’t have access to personal or collective financial resources.
Your partner constantly points out how “generous” they are.
3. Psychological Aggression
Aggression isn’t always physical, and yelling, excessive criticism, and threats can be just as damaging.
Over time, psychological aggression breaks you down, causing you to view yourself as weak minded
or incapable. Verbal assaults and threats can also induce fear, leading you to believe leaving is more
dangerous than staying. These are a few indicators of psychological aggression:
Your conversations regularly turn into explosive arguments.
Your intelligence, appearance, or personality are constantly criticized.
Your partner threatens to hurt you or themselves when you aren’t compliant.
Your partner destroys your property to control your behavior (i.e. breaking your car so you’re unable to leave the house).
4. Substance Abuse
A man sitting by the road with a bottle of alcohol in his hand
Addictions and domestic violence are closely connected. Those with alcohol addictions are two to
four times more likely to engage in abusive behaviors. And statistics show that over half of those who
committed an assault used a substance beforehand. Your partner may have a substance problem if
these statements sound familiar:
Your partner lies about how often or how much of a substance they consume.
Their drug or alcohol habits are causing health problems.
Your partner fails to fulfill personal or professional obligations because they are intoxicated or hungover.
5. Gaslighting
Gaslighting occurs when someone presents false or misleading information that causes you to
question your own judgment. In other words, they intentionally make you doubt your memories,
emotions, and perceptions.
Gaslighting isn’t always easy to spot because it shows up in numerous ways:
Countering: your memory or understanding of reality is questioned. You might be asked
something like Are you sure that really happened?
Trivializing: your problems are minimized if not entirely disregarded. You could be called too
emotional or over dramatic.
Scapegoating: you are blamed for their actions. You supposedly made them behave in a certain
way.
Withholding: you partner refuses to listen, or they claim that you don’t make sense. They may,
for example, say something like You can’t bring this up again or I don’t know what you’re
talking about.
Dangers of Domestic Violence
A firepit
1. Physical Illness
Even if your partner isn’t physically abusive, domestic violence can cause health issues. Stress is
associated with high blood pressure, gastrointestinal problems, and migraines. Not to mention, your
immune system becomes compromised, meaning you are more susceptible to contagious diseases.
2. Mental Health Problems
Abuse is linked to mental health conditions. In fact, those with anxiety and depression are
approximately three times more likely to have been victims of domestic violence. Then compared to
the general population, rates of other mental health conditions such as eating disorders and bipolar
disorder are higher amongst those who’ve endured abuse. Whether or not you have a mental illness,
domestic violence takes a toll on your mood, self-esteem, and autonomy, which can have lasting
psychological implications.
3. Developmental Consequences
Domestic violence is particularly harmful for children; kids who witness abuse are at a greater risk
for learning disabilities, cognitive impairments, and failure to meet motor and verbal milestones.
What Can You Do
1. Consider Leaving the Relationship
There’s generally a good chance that ending an abusive relationship is ideal for your mental and
physical well-being. That said, walking away is often easier said than done. And if you aren’t ready to
leave, you can take care of yourself by prioritizing your health, making a safety plan, and seeking
support from your community if possible.
2. Make a Safety Plan
A safety plan is basically a list of actions designed to keep you safer in an unsafe situation. This, for
instance, could include keeping a packed bag, compiling emergency contact numbers, and arranging
a place to go like should you need to leave home quickly.
3. Seek Help
Please call 911 if you’re in immediate danger. You can also call the New York City Domestic
Violence Hotline as you (and your children) may be eligible for temporary housing, supportive
services, as well as psychological and medical care.
Assuming you aren’t in an eminently dangerous situation, therapy can be a great resource, and the
therapists at HavenMHC are equipped to help you process trauma from domestic violence. You are
never to blame for abuse, and you deserve a space to be heard, to fully acknowledge the pain
someone else has put you through. When you feel ready, please contact us for a free consultation.
References
Rivara, F., Adhia, A., Lions, V., Massey, A., Mills, B., Morgan, E., Simckes, M.
Rowhani, A. (2019). The Effect of Violence on Health. Health Affairs, 38(10). Statistics. National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
Vara, S. (2022). What is Gaslighting. Medical News Today. How Does Domestic Abuse Impact
Mental Health. Bridges Domestic Violence Shelter.
Edwards, B. (2019). Alarming Effects of Children’s Exposure to Domestic Violence. Psychology
Today.
Smith, C. (2019). Alcohol and Domestic Violence. Alcohol Rehab Guide.