By Lea Nguyen
You see her number on your phone and the anxiety immediately shoots up. Every
conversation is riddled with either guilt or anger or confusion as to how your
mother knows the exact ways to push your buttons.
And she does. Every single time. When you don’t feel horrible, you feel invisible.
Almost like your emotions, your pain, your difficulties just don’t exist. Or worse,
they exist but somehow don’t matter.
Normally, the bond between a mother and her child is considered one of the most
nurturing, but this isn’t always the case. As a matter of fact, if your mother wasn’t
able to be present for you for any reason, this relationship may be one of the most
difficult or emotionally damaging relationships that you have.
The “Mother Wound” was initially coined by psychotherapist Bethany Webster, as a
reference to the pain that results from a problematic or toxic mother-child
relationship. The mother wound can affect people across ages, genders and races.
Pencil image of upset child with head buried in lap
Causes of the Mother Wound
You might think the mother wound can only be caused by an abusive or self-
centered mother, but it can also be caused by a mother who was not emotionally
attuned or available to you as a child. She may have been present physically but
emotionally unreachable or absent. Or she didn’t respond to your emotions in
a supportive or nurturing way. You might be experiencing the mother wound if
your mother:
- Provided practically by taking care of your physical needs, but lacked the ability to
give love, care, and security.
- Didn’t allow you to label, express, and manage negative emotions.
- Expected you to step up and support her with her physical and/or emotional
needs.
- Suffered emotional or physical abuse herself.
- Had an untreated mental health condition.
- Struggled with alcoholism or substance use.
How the Mother Wound can Effect You
What exactly does the mother wound look like? Below are some examples that
you’re likely living with the mother wound:
- Taking care of others to the point of resentment, exhaustion, and burnout
- Feeling that there is something wrong or shameful about you or feeling like you
don’t deserve to be loved unless you’re “perfect”
- Having an unclear sense of self
- Poor boundaries
- Lacking self-confidence or self-worth; never feeling good enough
- Struggling to connect with others emotionally
- Experiencing resentment or bitterness towards your own children
- Desperately wanting to be seen, but also feeling terrified of being seen or taking
up space
You Can Heal from the Mother Wound
There are ways to heal from the mother wound. Although this is not an exhaustive
list and your mother wound may be different from another person’s, there are
commonalities in experiences and steps that you can take to heal.
1. Recognize that her emotional absence was not your fault.
It is crucial to remember that separate yourself from your mother. Although she is
a part of you, she is not you. You may have struggled to form a clear sense of who
you are because your mother was unable to help you develop a sense of yourself.
Your mother’s emotional absence was not because you did something “wrong” or
“bad” as a child. It is not because you were not lovable or good enough. You are not
responsible for her behavior, and there was little you could have done to make
things better. You deserved to be loved and cared for as a child and
now as an adult.
You may find yourself wanting to blame your mother, but dwelling on her mistakes
may cause you to feel even more resentful, angry, or depressed.
2. Accept Your Mother and Her Limitations
Instead, accept that your mother did her best and was able to give you as much as
she could, even if it wasn’t exactly all you needed. Notice the complicated,
conflicting feelings you have about her with compassion and empathy when you
can.
It’s painful to accept and let go of the hope that your mother may change and be
the mother you longed for her to be, but it will keep you feeling stuck. Allow
yourself to grieve for the mother you wish you could have.
By recognizing your mother for who she is and not dwelling on her mistakes, you
move towards understanding and accepting her and release resentment and anger
in a healthier way.
Decide what kind of relationship you would like to have with her and how it could
emotionally impact you of having or not having her in your life. If you choose to
build a relationship with your mother, learn to set healthy boundaries. Even if it’s
not the perfect relationship, it can become something meaningful.
3. Re-mother your inner child
Healing the mother wound is a process of nurturing your younger self by giving
yourself the love, compassion and kindness that you never received as a child. It
can look like giving yourself a hug daily, letting your inner child the space it needs
to play, and exploring and processing difficult emotions and their triggers. Read our
blog post, “5 Ways to Heal and Nurture Your Inner Child” on how to turn inwards to
care for your younger self. By beginning to meet your adult emotional, physical,
and practical needs, you recognize the parts of you that feel hurt or stuck and give
them the love that they did not receive.
4. Develop and Practice Self-Soothing Techniques
When you grow up with an emotionally neglectful mother, you are not taught ways
to manage feelings and calm yourself down when in a state of emotional distress.
You may develop unhealthy or harmful coping skills like using alcohol or
substances for comfort. But it’s not too late to tech yourself how to self-soothe
and regulate. Some self-soothing techniques can be as simple as deep breathing to
incorporating meditation and mindfulness:
Deep breathing teaches the body to be present and calm down. Take a few
moments to practice this breathwork with Headspace. You can also use apps
like Breath Ball to guide you to breathe in the rhythm of the Breath Ball.
Focus on your sensory experiences that help you relax like lighting your
favorite scented candle, taking a warm bath, or walking in nature.
Comfort your inner child with what they need to hear to bring you back to the
present moment. Some statements can sound like, “I am worthy of love,” “I am
protecting you,” or “You are safe with me.”
Practice mindfulness. Take a minute and close your eyes or focus on the
visuals in this mini-meditation video with Headspace.
5. Seek support from a therapist.
Healing the mother wound is a process and takes time. The journey can feel
isolating and overwhelming, but you do not have to embark on this journey alone.
At Haven Mental Health Counseling, therapists can help you process the pain from
the mother wound and attachment trauma. You will be set free from self-blame
and self-criticism, reduce anxiety and depression, and improve your relationship
with yourself and others. If you’re ready in your journey of recovery from the
mother wound, get in touch with us.
Close up of two sets of hands clasped in support