Approximately fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. American divorce statistics
can make the average person second guess whether their marriage will make it.
Even if you decide to hold on and work through the struggles of being a couple, the
question still remains: is an unhappy marriage just the new norm?
It doesn’t have to be. A happy marriage is possible.
If you’re feeling dissatisfied in your relationship, whether it is because of constant
arguing or feeling like you’ve lost your connection, you’re not alone. Marriages take
a lot of work and while every relationship will face obstacles, prolonged
unhappiness in marriage should not be expected nor accepted. If the
emotional toll wasn’t enough, studies also show that an unhappy marriage can
increase the risk of heart disease, stroke and other health problems.
So how do you differentiate between normal marital challenges and a marriage
that is breaking down?
Normal challenges come and go. They may be influenced by external factors like
having a stressful work week, or life transitions such as a move, the birth of a child
or losing a loved one. The key here is to be aware of what’s showing up in your
relationship and how you and your partner are handling it.
However, if you are unhappy with your marriage for months or even years, your
relationship likely has deeper issues that require some attention. In these
situations, you might be finding yourself constantly on edge, reacting to your
partner rather than being able to respond calmly, or perhaps you constantly feel
criticized or attacked. Your marriage’s deteriorating state isn’t always immediately
apparent, which is why recognizing early warning signs is key.
SIGNS OF AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE
Intimacy and Affection are Lacking
Young couple at home sitting away from each.
Affection goes hand in hand with attraction, romance, and intimacy. And a lack of
physical or emotional intimacy is a telltale sign that something isn’t quite right. To
put it differently, a gradual decline in attraction suggests that your relationship may
be suffering.
It’s important to remember that intimacy isn’t just about sex. Non sexual emotional
and physical and emotional intimacy can include:
Sharing your deepest hopes, fears, and dreams with each other
Consistently expressing appreciation, encouragement and support
Keeping up to date on each other’s lives outside of the home
Nonsexual touch including
Hugging
Kissing
Holding hands
Cuddling
Sitting close to each other
Sustaining eye contact
In addition to incorporating more intimacy, consider what might be taking away
from it and causing attraction to dwindle; things like poor communication,
harbored anger, and boredom can gradually chip away at that initial spark.
While making time to connect with your partner might feel difficult or even
impossible, it is crucial to maintain ongoing connection and create opportunities to
develop and improve intimacy to prevent yourselves from getting caught in the
destructive cycles that will end up keeping you stuck in an unhappy marriage.
You Feel Lonely
Being alone is very different from feeling lonely. In a healthy relationship both
partners can spend time on their own and still feel deeply connected. This comes
with cultivating connection intentionally by spending quality time together and
apart. Doing this helps your relationship become a haven that you can turn to
when you feel down or anxious.
Your spouse should be someone you can rely on. If you aren’t inclined to turn to
them when you desire comfort or company, think about why this is the case. It’s
not uncommon, for instance, for one person to pull away if they fear rejection. Or
maybe your schedules have gotten busier, putting your relationship on the
backburner.
Whatever the cause of loneliness is in your relationship, taking a good hard look at
the cause is important in order to make intentional changes and improve how you
(and probably also your partner) feel.
Everything Annoys You
Let’s be real. Couples are annoyed with each other all the time. Sometimes it’s even
cute when they express it. And it makes for a great viral TikTok account!
But if you are always frustrated, something is amiss. When even the smallest things
elicit rage, your frustration likely has a deeper source. When you begin to notice
that your reaction, emotionally or otherwise doesn’t match the thing that you’re
angry about (like your spouse leaving some dishes in the sink), it likely points to a
trigger rooted in a bigger issue. If you and your partner don’t align on major life
decisions, values or goals, the seemingly irreconcilable differences might be
keeping you in a constant state of angst.
Image shows a family conflict where the wife is frustrated at the husband and the husband is sitting with his hands covering his face.
You Always Argue OR You Never Argue
When couples show up in our office saying that they never argue, that’s sometimes
a bigger red flag than couples who come in because they argue too much. That’s
because not arguing can be a sign that the relationship has become stagnant due
to both partners having completely disengaged.
A complete lack of confrontation or conflict suggests that you and your partner feel
defeated, that you no longer have the energy or urge to work through issues. You
may be avoiding conflict because perhaps your marriage is on such shaky ground,
that you worry the next argument could be the end of your relationship.
Either way, a complete lack of conflict can point to serious issues in the
relationship!
Frequent arguments are equally problematic. Regular arguments cause negative
emotions from both parties, making your relationship particularly unpleasant.
Whether you fight over frivolous or serious matters, how you argue matters. If you
end up putting each other down and resorting to “always” and “never”, it’s likely
that your arguments are turning more into character assassinations rather than
being focused on the problem.
Ultimately, you want to attack the problem rather than each other.
During conflict, you also want to be mindful about the volume and tone of your
voice as how you say something is often just as central as what you say.
Following an argument, it is important to repair the damage to recover and heal
from the hurt. Once you feel more settled and the heat of the emotions has
passed, take some time to understand each other’s perspectives and notice where
things went wrong. Repairing can also involve an apology or acknowledgement of
what you could have done differently.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE
Prioritize Your Marriage
Prioritizing your marriage means avoiding additional damage—put a stop to hurtful
habits. It means pausing before taking something personally and thinking about
how you want to respond (not react!) so that your relationship doesn’t take a hit.
Sometimes the hardest part of prioritizing your marriage is taking the time to figure
out what exactly hurt you and why, and communicating that to your partner in a
way that isn’t criticizing, attacking or shaming.
Maybe you need to stop instigating unnecessary arguments. Or the silent
treatment has to end. Given that you can’t sort through all issues at once, figure
out what your marriage needs the most and make that a priority. Everyone has
different needs, so talk to your spouse about what is especially important to them.
It’ll be important to come to this conversation from a place of compassion and
curiosity, otherwise you might just end up in the familiar cycle of fighting once
again.
Have Fun Together
Image of a happy black couple. Husband giving wife a piggyback ride while wife is laughing.
When you participate in fun activities together, you build positive associations with
your partner. In other words, your spouse becomes associated with more positive
feelings. Not to mention, renowned couple’s therapist Dr. Gottman says “every
positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.” Intentionally building up
positivity in the relationship helps create a buffer for the harder moments. Having
fun together isn’t just about spending a day at a theme park or hiking. It includes
laughing together often, teasing each other lovingly (make sure your partner sees it
as playful, and if they don’t, then try something different!), or anything else that
brings a smile to both your faces consistently. Basically, creating chances to smile
and laugh increases attraction and facilitates a deeper connection.
Try Therapy
Sometimes you need a little extra help to get your marriage back on track.
Compassion and curiosity can be difficult if you constantly feel like you’re on the
defense or if the hurt feelings just show right up. It can take a person who isn’t
personally entrenched in the relationship to help you see where and how you’re
both getting upset or thrown off, even without realizing it. Whether that is the facial
expression that triggers one of you or the tone that you don’t even realize you’re
taking, a trained professional can help you identify not just what is going on but the
most effective ways of making it right.
The therapists at Haven MHC are not only well versed in evidence-based couple’s
counseling such as the Gottman Method and EFT, but also provide compassionate,
culturally competent and judgment-free counseling. Ultimately, therapy can be a
great way to ensure that you give your marriage the energy and effort it needs to
thrive. Get in touch if you’re ready to start enjoying your relationship again!
References
Hashmi, Musba. (2022). Love Matters: Expert Reveals What Do Frequent Fights
Mean in a Relationship. Pink Villa.
Goggin, Mary. (2019). Seven Tips on How to Fix an Unhappy Marriage and Make It
Better. Free and Connected.
Young, Karen. Fighting Fair in a Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay
Close While You Do It. Hey Sigmund.