A child’s relationship with their mother is often at the center of conversation when
the topic of attachment is discussed. However, the father-child relationship, or lack
thereof, holds profound significance in shaping a person’s sense of self, navigation
of relationships and life in general. Research shows that nearly 20 million children
live without the physical presence of a father and that a father’s absence has
negative consequences which carry over to almost all areas of life. While you may
not exactly relate to the experience of an absent father, you may still be among
the millions of others whose fathers are physically present but emotionally absent,
distant, or embody toxic characteristics.
The concept of the father wound has gained increasing recognition in the world of
psychology and is based on Bowlby and Ainsworth’s attachment theory and is one
type of attachment wounds. The father wound refers to the psychological and
emotional dysfunction that results from the absent, neglectful, or dysfunctional
relationship with one’s father. It also encompasses the impact of a father who has a
negative, critical, or abusive character. Whether there is a physical absence or
emotional absence of a father, the father wound can have long term effects on an
person well into adulthood.
The Father Wound can effect a person emotionally, damage their self-image,
interfere in their relationships and behavior patterns and cause intergenerational
impacts. Some symptoms of the father wound include:
Low self-esteem & low confidence
Chronic anxiety and depression
Angry outbursts and rage
Self criticism and shame
Difficulties keeping healthy boundaries
Gravitating towards partners who are emotionally unavailable
Self-sabotaging behaviors that hinder growth
Refusal, inability, or lack of desire to thrive
Excessive laziness and procrastination
Ongoing struggles with addictions (sex, porn, work, drugs, alcohol, etc.)
Inability to trust men, and feeling like no one truly has your back
Being highly isolated
Issues with authority (mistrust, resentment, paranoia)
A pervasive sense of shame and feeling ‘not good enough’
Being highly reactive to criticism
Unfortunately, the father wound is quite common, and it affects men and women
at all stages of life. The intergenerational effect of the Father Wound shows up
when boys and girls with unhealed father wounds become adults who wound their
children, thus repeating the cycle. Luckily this childhood wound can be healed.
Father-son duo playing on floor in living room with hands resting on chin.
Recognizing it is the first step to not only personal healing, but also ensuring that
the cycle breaks and doesn’t continue to hurt future generations. Here are three
ways you can start your healing journey.
1. Acknowledge the Pain of the Father Wound
Admitting to your father wounds means admitting that your father did not meet
your developmental needs and, in fact, may have stunted your development. That
can be difficult to admit. Sometimes feelings of guilt, sense of betraying your father,
or sympathy towards him can get in the way of acknowledging that his behaviors
may have been a source to a great deal of your pain. Therapy offers a space to
work through those emotions and helps you reach a healing level of acceptance.
The purpose of admitting is not blaming or self-pity. If you have father wounds, it is
likely that your father was a victim of unhealed father wounds himself. You can
empathize with him – AND— you can be angry with him at the same time. Give
yourself permission to feel the disappointment, frustration, and anger without
rationalizing your loss of a father’s nurturing presence. The first step to ending the
cycle is acknowledging your wound.
Were you hurt by your father? Take a moment to honestly reflect on the following
statements.
Do any of them resonate with you?
“My dad did not protect me.”
“If I got angry, I was punished or rejected.”
“I had to be good in order to be accepted.”
“I was told or treated as though I was too sensitive, too emotional, or too needy.”
“When we had conflict, my dad did not try to repair my hurt and resolve the issue.”
2. Understand what triggers your wound
A trigger is an internal or external experience that prompts an increase in or return
of symptoms. Triggers can include a memory, a physical sensation, an emotion, a
person, a place, or a specific situation. Both your brain and your body can react to
triggers in distressing ways. You may notice that triggers arise within your intimate
relationships or in loneliness. You may also recognize that many of your efforts to
relieve your symptoms were avoidant and/or addictive behaviors. Avoiding your
unpleasant feelings may bring you temporary relief but in the long run, what is
buried by avoidance arises in more distressing ways. Identifying what triggers your
father wound allows you to prepare healthy coping strategies and empowers you
to ground yourself before the symptoms start hurting you, your loved ones, and
your quality of life.
3. Practice Self Compassion and Cultivate Inner Strength
Embrace self-compassion as a cornerstone of your healing process. Recognize the
internal self-criticism or shaming that comes up and try to recognize that as part of
the wound rather than as a fact about you. Treat yourself with kindness, patience,
and understanding as you learn to notice all the feelings that arise without judging
them. Practice self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul, such as
meditation, prayer, journaling, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy.
Focus on building your inner strength and resilience as you work on healing. Do
this by engaging in personal development activities, such as therapy, martial arts,
or therapy. Support groups are a good way to connect with others who may have
similar experiences and can help you learn how to set better boundaries.
4. Make space for your inner child
An illustration of a woman looking in the mirror that reflects her inner child holding a stuffed toy bear.
As a child, it’s your right to receive and expect nurturing support, unconditional
love, and guidance from your father. When those needs are not met, a void fills up
in their place with confusion and a thirst for something unknown. Throughout
childhood, you witness what a loving father’s presence adds to the lives of other
children your age, and that void fills with a deeper longing. As you become an adult,
you create a story for yourself in every effort still to fill that void. Your inner child
doesn’t go anywhere. Show that child compassion and make space for yourself to
feel all the feelings you that come with acknowledging your father wound. Imagine
your 5-year-old self and send some love, validation, recognition, approval, and
encouragement that you might have missed from your father. You have it all within
you to give and you are the first person who deserves to receive from yourself.
But you don’t have to heal from your father wound on your own. Therapy can you
help you take measured steps to reach into to the deeper parts of you. Contact us
today to set up an appointment.
Resources:
Bureau, U. S. C. (2021, November 22). Historical living arrangements of children. Census.gov. Retrieved July 18, 2022, from https://www.census.gov/data/tables/time series/demo/families/children.html
Cherry, K. (2022, May 2). How attachment theory works. Verywell Mind. Retrieved July 18, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337
Cuncic, A. (2022, March 11). What does it mean to be triggered? Verywell Mind. Retrieved July 18, 2022, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-4175432
Father Absence the Impact. (2011). Myabsentfather.com. Retrieved from https://truestorieswithgill.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Absent-Father-Effects-Statistics.jpg.
Marcin, A. (2020, July 16). Understanding and dealing with toxic parents and co-parents. Healthline. Retrieved July 18, 2022, from https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/toxic-parents#What-is-a-toxic-parent?
Mari, D. (2019, May 30). Parenting when you have experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN). Counselling Psychologist | online | Individual therapy. Retrieved July 18, 2022, from https://www.drmarikovanen.co.uk/parenting-when-you-have-experienced-childhood-emotional-neglect-or-trauma/