Roadblocks are inevitable, even in the most committed of couples. Things may be said or done along the way that hurt feelings and eventually cause a buildup of resentment, triggers and create recurring arguments that just make you feel stuck. Why?
Unfortunately, many couples just haven’t learned the relationship skills required to effectively repair emotional damage when it happens. Being able to talk about conflicts after the fact, or better yet, notice and better manage conflicts as they come up, is a skill that takes practice and more importantly, courage and vulnerability. However, many of the couples the come in for therapy struggle with figuring out how to repair and reconnect after an emotional injury has occurred. Thus, conflicts are exacerbated, and difficult conversations become divisive without a plan for emotional restoration. Instead of drawing close again, avoidance and withdrawal can set in.
Without an intentional attempt to break the cycle, communication and compassion can break down significantly.
This needn’t be your relationship story. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman revealed key findings regarding relationship repair. Particularly, why and how partners must actively correct emotional damage between them. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, failing to repair will hinder emotional safety and trust considerably.
Consider how effective relationship repairs can help you and your partner heal emotional damage and restore closeness:
What Repair Attempts Do
The key to making things right when emotional damage occurs is to make an attempt to break the cycle by shifting the interaction, rather than continuing the pattern of negativity as early and as often as necessary. These efforts are “repair attempts.” Gottman notes that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”
So, de-escalation is the name of the repair game. This allows you to let the steam escape the conversation so that you can carefully consider what’s happened between you. If handled well, it can allow for curiosity for both your experience and the experience of your partner so that you can both quickly and thoughtfully address it.
What Repair Attempts Don’t Do
Repair work is not one-sided. Neither your partner, nor his/her repair attempts can force you into the right frame of mind. Repair attempts are your individual choice when your personalities, perspectives, and personal needs, inevitably, collide. However, actual relationship repair is cooperative and intentional. The ultimate agreement to heal and reconnect is mutual.
Emotional Processing is a Relationship Priority
It’s important that you are both ready to approach repairing your relationship. Take care to follow the next five steps when you can do so calmly and respectfully:
Step 1: Express Feelings
Succinctly list the emotions you each experienced (angry, disrespected, overwhelmed, forgotten). No commentary, explanation, or judgment accompany this step.
Step 2: Share and Validate
Decide who will be the listener and who will share first. Honor those roles. If you’re the speaker, share the damaging interaction from your perspective. Do this without criticizing the listener. Instead, use “I” statements to convey what you noticed and needed at that time.
If you’re the listener, focus on understanding the speaker’s experience. Be curious. Summarizing and validating are key. Do your best not to assume or project meaning onto what they’ve shared. Express clearly that you are trying to see things from their point of view and ask if your understanding is correct. Leave them space to address what continues to be misunderstood and validate their feelings. When the speaker feels understood, switch roles.
The goal? To make each other feel undeniably safe and loved.
Step 3: Talk About Triggers
Often, emotional damage occurs because partners are unclear about the buttons they’re pushing in each other. Take turns disclosing and discussing what was triggered in you both.
Try to link and share past emotional experiences with the emotional interaction between you. What happened? Why are the feelings similar? Be as clear as possible without being critical, so that your partner is more aware and understanding of this sensitivity and vice versa.
Step 4: Acknowledge, Accept, Apologize
Relationship repair is aided immensely when you can acknowledge what contributed to miscommunication and relationship strain, take responsibility for your respective missteps, and offer apologies.
Were you were stressed or overreactive? Say so. Express your regret for being curt or turning away. Sincerely offer an apology. Allow your partner time to do the same. When all is said and apologies are accepted, agree to forgive and move forward. If hard feelings persist, continue to discuss unmet needs and how to meet them.
Step 5: Value Preventative Care Over Exhaustive Repair
The final step of relationship repair, according to Gottman, is to mutually discuss how to do less of it. Share one thing you could do to make discussing this issue better next time. Then, gently, share a way your partner can do the same. Clearly glean what it will take to finally resolve the matter, concentrating on areas of agreement.
Reach Out if You Require More Intensive Repair
While it’s true that addressing problems early is the best way to prevent large relationship rifts, you aren’t alone if problems have festered too long. Healing can still be accomplished. You may just need some professional guidance to help you communicate and reach your repair goals.
Don’t give up. Repair attempts are an act of love. We’re here to help. Please read more about couples counseling and contact me soon for a consultation.